This is me writing down my feelings. It is my therapy, so to speak. I am not sure if this will make any sense. If you read it all the way through…… thank you
I went to Manchester on Tuesday to see some wrestling. It was so much fun and worth the amount of money I spent on a ticket. I felt happy. But now that I’m back home, I just feel meh.
I probably blame my hormones for this since it’s that time of the month (tmi?) but the realisation on how lonely I am and I don’t know how to get out of this hole I seem to be in.
The pandemic didn’t help
It’s been like this for the last 5 years if I’m being honest. COVID really made me realise how people actually took me for granted. No one that I considered a friend got in contact with me. I know what you are thinking. Yes, I probably didn’t contact them either. But a part of me knew I needed to move on from them. They were emotionally draining, as we all met in some mental health capacity. I honestly needed to move on from that.
It kinda sounds a little bit hypocritical, I suppose. I’m the person who cares too much about people. People take advantage of that. When it’s the other way around, it seems that people don’t do the same for me.
Someone once told me that I didn’t seem to matter as much as others. It was because I had my parents. Which is wonderful isn’t it? Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful to my parents. They have supported me through the years when my mental health was at rock bottom. Still, it genuinely made me realize that maybe I should find better people to have in my life.
Still working on it
I’ve decided to try get back into the gym. I’m tired of feeling like a blob fish and it’s not helping my confidence at all. I’m 44 I deserve a better life that the one I’m now living. It’s not that it’s a bad life. I’m just stuck at 95% where I want to be. It’s becoming annoying.
My dream is to live nearer Manchester. I miss so much going on in Manchester. I have to pay to stay over the night. The cost of train tickets is crazy. Nonetheless, I feel it was cheaper to have an open return to Manchester than it was to Liverpool. But I’ve enjoyed visiting both cities this year to do fun things.
I need to give myself a chance to fulfill that dream. I know it won’t be easy but it HAS to be done. I’m not getting any younger. It scares me. I’m afraid I’m never going to get away from this stagnant life. I’ve been living this way for far too long.
I’m just gonna try my best and take it all one day at a time.
The End.
I feel actually better for writing this out. I think I’ll make it a category. I’m not one for putting down my feelings not because I don’t think people will care. I don’t want to write these things for sympathy as it gives me this ick. I just want a place where I can be honest with myself. I don’t want to bottle it all up and get stressed about it. Some of it feels so dumb because it has been in my head a long time. But hopefully it will help and if you have actually read all of this THANK YOU!
Until the next time
XOXO